95. Getting Your Family’s Support with Your Weight Loss Plan

My name is Patrick McGilvray, and I’m an experienced marathoner, ultra runner, Sports Nutritionist, Master Life Coach, and weight loss coach for runners. I’ve dedicated my life to helping runners just like you properly fuel your body and your mind. So you can get leaner, get stronger, run faster and run longer than you ever thought possible. This is Running Lean.

Hey there, and welcome to episode 95 of Running Lean. My name is Patrick McGilvray, the weight loss coach for runners. And today I’m talking about getting your family’s support with your weight loss plan.

So one of the hardest things about losing weight is feeling like no one is supporting you in your weight loss journey. No one’s got your back. Not only do you feel a lack of support from the people closest to you, but you actually feel like these people are going out of their way to make it harder for you to stay on track.

Why are they doing this? Why do we feel unsupported when we decide to make these big changes in our health and diet? How do we get through this? How do we get the support that we need to be successful with being healthy and sticking to our plan with making this our new way of life? I’ve been getting these questions a lot lately.

So in this episode of the podcast, I’ve got some helpful tips for getting your family support with your weight loss plan. But first, if you’d like this podcast, please come check out the Running Lean podcast community on Facebook.

It’s a group of like-minded runners who are focused on improving their health improving their fitness getting stronger, getting leaner, getting faster, and we support each other, we encourage each other we inspire one another, we motivate one another.

And it’s a place where you can ask questions. And it’s a place where you get a voice. You know, this podcast is great, I get to talk to you. But I don’t get to hear from you. And you don’t get to share what’s going on with you.

Join the Facebook group and you can share what’s going on with you. You can ask questions you can get answers. And it’s a lot of fun. That’s fun. So just search for Running Lean community on Facebook and hope to see you over there.

And then people ask how they can work with me. And there are really two ways. There’s the Running Lean coaching group which meets once a week we do a live group coaching call. And this is a great way to introduce yourself to becoming a fat adapted runner to understanding how your thoughts and feelings drive your actions to learn all about, you know how to succeed with your weight loss goals with your running goals.

You get to hear from like-minded people, we get to share what’s going on, we do a little coaching and teaching in the group once a week. And you get access to all my online training materials. So this is a great introduction to coaching and a great way to kind of get yourself started and make some progress. And to learn more and join the group just go to runningleanpodcast.com/join.

And then the other way of working with me is as your coach, I’m a one-on-one coach, this is my jam, this is what I do, I can show you exactly how to become the healthiest, most badass version of yourself. I’ll show you how to do it, you can get there.

And when you sign up to coach with me, you get the personalized meal plans, you get personalized attention, you know, it’s you and me working together to get you to your goals. It’s a results-oriented coaching program.

It’s not about just like I don’t have like a blueprint that I just give to everybody that’s exactly the same. It’s you and me figuring out together, what works best for you what makes you feel the best.

What gets you to your weight loss goals, what gets you to your running goals? What helps you to become the best, healthiest version of yourself? That’s what we do. And we do it together and we have fun here. Are you sensing a theme here? Like we try to have fun with all this stuff.

Losing weight, getting healthy does not have to be a suffer fest, we can have fun doing it. Anyway, if you’re interested in coaching with me just go to runningleanpodcast.com/apply. And you and I will jump on a quick Zoom call, have a conversation and we’ll talk about your goals. We’ll see if this is a good fit for you. Cool. Awesome. All right.

So I’ve been mulling around this topic for a while now because it’s something that is recurring. I keep hearing people talking about this and variations of this topic of like not feeling supported by their family and I’ve been working on this for a while and I think I have helpful tips for you guys today.

So make sure you listen to this whole podcast. I don’t know, don’t like just skim through these sometimes because if you do, you’re missing out on the good stuff. But today I’ve got some really helpful tips at the end of this episode, so stick around for that.

But the issue is that I hear a lot of people talking about how they don’t feel supported in what they’re doing, especially when they change their diet when they change what they’re eating. And then they try to stick to their plan. And this is especially true at the beginning of their weight loss journey.

And they tell me, they feel like they’re all alone. They feel like they’re just on their own, they feel lonely, they feel like no one is supporting them, their spouse isn’t supporting them, their kids maybe aren’t supporting them, and they just and their friends aren’t supporting them. And they just feel all alone. And it makes it very difficult to want to stick to their plan.

So I really think this is an issue for a lot of people and we need to, you know, figure this out. Right? So that’s what we’re going to be talking about today is what do we do in these situations, when we don’t feel supported, especially from the people closest to us, like our spouses, okay.

So one thing I want you to understand here is that if you want everybody in your family, if you want your spouse, and your kids and everybody, your family and all your friends, to just be on board with what you’re doing, and to totally support you, and to think the way you think and feel the same way you feel and do the things that you’re doing.

I’m just gonna tell you right now, this is an exercise in futility, you are going to be disappointed when you are expecting other people to think the way you think and do what you’re doing and say things that support you all the time, you’re just setting yourself up for disappointment. I’m just going to tell you right now, when you expect people to say this thing or do that thing, I promise you, they will let you down.

Okay, so we just have to understand that the number one thing we have to understand here is that you cannot control what other people are thinking what other people are feeling, what they are saying what they’re doing. And you have to stop pretending like you can control all of that. Okay, because you cannot.

And one thing that keeps coming up for me is when people say, Well, you know that my husband isn’t saying these things to me that he’s not talking to me in a way that feels supportive. He’s saying negative things, you know, he’s saying, Well, why don’t you just, you know, live a little, you know, just enjoy yourself for once, you know, these kinds of things are not helpful. Okay?

And I hear people say this, and I’m like, okay, I get it, you wish that they said different things to you, which isn’t really going to happen. Okay, first of all, but are you saying these things to yourself? Are you being encouraging to yourself? How are you talking to yourself? This is an important thing for you to think about. And really be honest with yourself.

Are you saying to yourself, “I don’t know if I should do this? Maybe I should just live a little? Oh, maybe I am. I’m doing great. And I deserve a little something. Maybe I should reward myself because I’ve been staying on my plan all week. So I can just eat like a cake.” Right?

I mean, that’s fine. Like, how are you talking to yourself? What are you saying to yourself? What’s that inner dialogue look like for you? Because if you’re not supporting yourself in the way that you’re talking to yourself, do you really expect other people to do that for you? Yeah.

And listen, I understand that it can feel like people are supporting you like no one is supporting you. You can make everything that they do and say mean that they’re not supportive of you. Right?

So you go out to dinner with your husband, and he’s like, You know what, I’m going to get extra french fries, because I’m like, really hungry. So and you’re like, “Ah, see, he’s not supporting me.” Or, you know, you’re you come home from work and your wife brings home a pizza for her and she’s eating pizza with the kids and you’re like making yourself some chicken and a salad or whatever. And you’re like, “See, she’s not supporting me.”

Or, you know, you go out to dinner with your friends and they’re ordering all these fruity cocktails and you’re not drinking, you know, and you’re just sitting there like feeling sorry for yourself and like, look, my friends aren’t supporting me. See how all these people aren’t supportive.

You can make everything mean that people aren’t supporting you. Okay? Look what they’re doing. See, they’re not supporting me in reality, none of this stuff. None of this has anything to do with you. This is just them doing them. Right? You’ve got to do you let them do them, and you do you.

And when you start making everything mean that you’re not being supported, you’re going to start to find evidence for that everywhere. Everywhere you look, every person you talk to, you’re going to feel like they’re not supportive of you see, here’s another person that’s like eating something that I can’t eat. So that means they’re not supportive of me.

And we’ve just got to get over this. Alright, you have to learn how to support yourself like this is my number one tip for you here today, is that you have to be your own number one best supporter, you have to have your own back all the time. What does this mean?

What does it mean to have your own back? Having your own back means that you speak kindly to yourself the same way you would speak to a friend. So if you and a friend were trying to stick to a healthy eating plan, and you were doing it together, and your friend was feeling like, I’m not sure about this, what would you say to that friend?

You’d be like, “Listen, you got this, you can do this stick with the plan, we’re gonna, we’re gonna get through this.” Like, that’s how you would treat your friend. That’s what you would say to your friend. That’s the way you need to dialogue with yourself.

Because the way you dialogue with yourself is whether you had your own back or not. So speak kindly to yourself, encourage yourself. Don’t talk trash to yourself. Don’t be like, “Oh, look at you, you screwed up again. Nothing ever works for you, you can’t do this. You know, you might as well just give up.” Like this is trash talk that you do to yourself. And listen, we all do it, right? But you’ve got to stop doing that. So speak kindly to yourself, stop the trash-talking to yourself.

Having your own back means keeping the promises you made to yourself, you make a commitment. I’m going to stick to my food plan today. And then you honor that commitment that you made to yourself, that’s having your own back. Right?

You say you’re going to do something, you commit to doing that thing. And then you do that thing. You honor the commitments you make to yourself, that’s having your own back.

What’s not having your own back is constantly breaking those commitments to yourself. Letting yourself down, making a plan and saying, “Okay, tomorrow, I’m sticking to my plan no matter what.” And then tomorrow comes and you’re like, you know what, I just feel like Chick-fil-A, and you go eat a bunch of, you know, get a bunch of junk food on your way home from work and just gorge out on that. Right?

Like that’s not having your own back. You have to be your own best supporter. This is like the number one thing I want you to take away from this episode right here is that when it comes to who’s supporting you and who isn’t?

If you’re not supporting you, how can you expect other people to? If you’re not supporting yourself, and you’re expecting everybody else to do it for you, you’re going to be very disappointed. Every single day, it’s not gonna work for you, okay? So you have to have your own back, you have to be your best supporter.

And here’s something I really think is important, something that you have to understand. You have to stop trying to control your circumstances. So stop trying to control what other people are thinking what other people are feeling when other people are saying what other people are doing. These are all circumstances.

And if you heard me talk about this ever in the past, you know that circumstances are things you cannot control. What you have control over are your own thoughts, feelings, and actions. That’s it. So you can’t control what other people are doing or saying or thinking or whatever.

So, your husband will say what he says and he’s gonna think what he thinks he’s gonna do what he does. And if you’re hoping he’s gonna change all that stuff, you will forever be in turmoil around all of that. Alright, because he is not going to change except that he is the way he is.

He’s going to say what he says, he’s gonna think how he thinks, and what he does, he’s just gonna keep doing right. You have to take responsibility for your own thoughts, feelings and actions. You have to take responsibility for your own decisions for your own choices.

Don’t blame other people for your bad choices. Don’t blame other people because you didn’t stick to your plan. It’s not their responsibility for you to, you know, stick to your healthy eating plan. It’s yours. It’s on you to take ownership.

I want you to take extreme ownership of your own health. And listen, this is not bad news. This is good news, this is very empowering. Because when you rely on other people and other people’s opinions, then this can be very disempowering because you’re giving your power away to others. You’re letting others’ thoughts and feelings about us determine how we think about ourselves that’s not good, or their opinions don’t matter.

So friends, moms, spouses, they all have their opinions about what you’re doing. Everybody has an opinion, right? And most people are more than happy to share their opinion with you whether you ask for it or not, especially when it comes to what people are eating.

And I think this is so crazy, and like weird, like, people will tell me all the time, like, why would you eat that? Or that’s weird. Or I was standing in line recently at this little breakfast buffet thing. And I was, you know, it kind of just loaded up my plate with eggs and bacon. And that was it. And somebody next to me was like, well, that’s a lot of protein. You know, and I was like, thanks for your opinion, didn’t ask for it. But thank you.

But people are just more than happy to share their thoughts with us. Isn’t that funny that we do that? I don’t understand. I would never say anything to somebody about what they’re eating.

But here’s a story I heard recently, from one of my clients, they were feeling good. They had started a couple of weeks into their weight loss journey. And they were feeling great. They changed their diet. They’re losing weight, they had tons of energy, and they were just like, feeling great about themselves.

And so they were talking to a co-worker about it. And they said, you know, hey, this is what I’m doing. And I feel so amazing. And this person they were talking to at the office was like, oh, yeah, I tried that low carb thing. It didn’t work for me after a few months.

And so this person came back to me, and she was very concerned about this, like, “Oh, is this gonna happen for me, too?” Like she really internalized this, right? And she believed that because this other person who she doesn’t even know that well had this one experience that that’s going to be her experience, too.

And I was like, listen, you don’t have to. First of all, you don’t have to believe what other people are telling you. Their opinions are just that they are their own opinions, it’s their own experiences. And what they’re saying and what their experiences were don’t mean squat to their experiences, they’re not yours.

Maybe they did it wrong. Maybe they didn’t really do it at all, maybe they thought they were doing it right. But they weren’t, I don’t know that. Who knows what happened with that person, it doesn’t really matter.

To be honest with you, most people try some sort of dietary change, and then give up after some time, and then say it doesn’t work, or that didn’t work for them when they really didn’t like stick to it long enough.

Or they didn’t make some minor changes or whatever. Like there’s always something we can do. And this is one thing I do with all my coaching clients is like, we always check and see how are things working? Are we getting the results that we want? Are you feeling good? Or is running getting better? How are your energy levels? Are you hungry?

Are you losing weight?

But we keep looking at all these metrics, and then we keep making minor changes to stay on plan and to keep moving in the right direction. But we don’t quit. But this is what most people do. They get to a point with their diet or whatever they’re doing. And they’re like, this isn’t working anymore, that diet doesn’t work.

And so if you internalize that and say like, oh, maybe this doesn’t work, because this one person had this one experience, and I don’t even know what they were doing. Just we got to stop doing that. Okay?

Other people’s opinions are just that – they’re their opinions, what their experiences were or what their opinions are, does not matter to you, you get to choose what you believe about yourself. Even if your spouse is like, I don’t think this is a good idea.

You know, we can really internalize that and think like, oh, maybe it’s not a good idea. Maybe I shouldn’t be doing this. But really, do you feel good? Are you enjoying this? Are you getting results? Are you becoming healthier? Like, then just stick with it. You know, don’t worry about their opinion, let them have their opinion, because they will share it with you.

But at the same time, you get to choose what you want to believe about yourself, period. Right? It’s on you. So people will have their opinions. You don’t have to internalize all that stuff, okay? But here’s what happens when you do internalize that stuff.

When you start to believe all the BS that people are telling you or whatever, you start to doubt yourself. You stop believing in yourself, you lose confidence. You know, you get frustrated you get worried and so what do you do when you start feeling frustrated and you start feeling worse? A lot of times you give in, you go off your plan, and then you eat a bunch of crap, you start to feel like crap.

And then you slip into these old behaviors because you’re going to start using food to feel better again, and the cycle continues. And then you’re back to where you were at square one. This is not having your own back, this is the opposite. Okay?

This is like self-sabotage stuff that we do. Okay? So what I’m saying here is that, like, you have to have your own back. And you have to just like trust in yourself, trust the process, you have to believe in yourself. And you don’t have to believe what other people are telling you. Right? Take control of your own thoughts, feelings, and actions, you get to choose what you believe. Isn’t that awesome? I think that’s amazing.

You get to choose what you believe people can say whatever they want, you get to choose your own beliefs about yourself. So own this, own it. Really be in control of your own beliefs, your own thoughts, feelings, and actions. Take 100% ownership of your own health. Stop giving away your power to other people, you’re in control. You get to choose what you want to believe about yourself.

Okay, so this is like my number one, like, big overarching tip here today is you, you have to take ownership, and you have to be your own best supporter. Okay. Here are a few other tips for you. Tell your family, your spouse, your kids, whoever it is that’s closest to you.

Tell them that, make sure you explain to them that this is about me and not you. I’m doing this thing, I’m making these changes. I’m not going to force my plan on you, you get to do what you want. If you want to come along with me great, if not great, but this is what I’m doing. And I’m doing it for me. I’m not doing it for you. I don’t care what you think. I don’t care about your opinion.

I don’t care, you know, uh, whether or not you want to join me in this journey, but this is what I’m doing. For me. It’s not about you, you get to do whatever you want you to do you let me do me, okay. So make sure that you explain that.

And that, especially with your spouse, right, because a lot of times the spouses can just be like, they can say things that get under our skin, or they can try to pull us down to what they’re doing. They’re like, Come on, just have some french fries. Come on, let’s just get some pizza tonight. You’ve been doing great. These little things can be really subtle, but also very dangerous for us. Right?

Because then they’re starting to like influence you, you’re letting them influence you. You just have to let them know like, Listen, you do you and I’m going to do me okay? It’s not about you, it’s about me. My next tip is that you have to explain that you may be a little bit of a cranky pants at times, especially at the beginning. Okay?

Listen, I’m not gonna candy-coat here, change is hard. Change is uncomfortable. And when you’re changing your diet, and let’s say you’re used to eating a bunch of junk food and a bunch of sugar and a bunch of comfort food, all that stuff that you’ve been eating for a long time and you’re like, I’m going to stop eating the junk, I’m going to stop eating sugar.

And when you do that, it’s going to be uncomfortable, you’re going to go through a period of discomfort, okay, it’s part of the process. Like being uncomfortable is like the price you have to pay to make that change. Alright, it’s required, it’s a requirement.

So embrace the discomfort and just let them know, listen, I may be a pain in the butt here. Please understand, this is not about you, but I’m just doing something that is, you know, it’s challenging, and I’m going to feel a little uncomfortable doing it. I’m going to be embracing the discomfort and I’m going to keep going alright, you have been warned.

But just let them know it’s not about them, it’s just about you and it will pass you know, usually you know a few weeks into it, it starts to get a lot less uncomfortable.

Another tip here, make your environment work for you. And this is going to look different for different people. But you may have to go through your kitchen and get rid of the crap food that you’ve got sitting around okay. You may have to like just totally get rid of the cookies and the chips and all this stuff.

If this is not an option for you, if you’ve got somebody kids or spouse in your household that eats a lot of this stuff still and is not willing to give up some of this junk food, then put that stuff in a designated cabinet. This is just for them and you stay away from it.

Like this is a little environment hack to help us stick to our plan because every time you open the cabinet to get you to know, whatever it is you want for yourself, and you’re seeing all the junk food, you’re just going to keep getting reminded that that stuff is there.

And it’s gonna make it very difficult for you. So do your best to make your environment work for you. Right. And sometimes that’s throwing stuff away. Or sometimes it’s like just putting it into a place where you just have limited access to it. Okay.

Here’s another tip. And this one’s going to sound hard. But it’s actually really cool. It’s really, really empowering. And that is like practice, being around people being around food being around situations that are tempting for you. Say what now? Yes, I’m telling you to put yourself in situations where people are eating junk food in front of you.

And I want you to just be in those situations and do nothing. Because here’s the reality of life, you are going to be in situations like this, whether you want it or not. And if you’re trying to control for all of this, and you’re just trying to like live in some sort of bubble, where everything is just perfectly formulated around you, and everybody’s eating the right foods, and you’re never going to see tempting foods or alcohol or whatever, it’s going to be a really tough life for you.

Like, you’re just you’re going to be around these situations, whether you want to or not. So my tip is to practice being in this in these situations and do nothing. Practice being around people who are eating junk food or drinking and you’re not drinking.

Practice being around people who are eating a bunch of junk, sugar, candy, whatever it is, and don’t do it, you know. Let other people order their dessert and just watch them eat it and just like, notice what comes up for you, how are you feeling in those situations? It’s gonna feel probably a little terrible, it’s okay, embrace the discomfort, don’t do anything about it.

Because the more you do this, the more you build the skill of being in these situations without giving in to the urges and the cravings and stuff, right. And if you’re just trying to shelter yourself from these situations, and that’s how you’re going to deal with it, there’s going to be a time where you just find yourself around people who are eating dessert or drinking or something like that, and you’re just like, screw it, just give in, because you haven’t developed that skill.

So what I’m telling you is to embrace some of those situations, put yourself in those situations. You know, I wouldn’t do it like, every single day. But practice being in those situations. You know, your husband brings home pizza for him, and the kids just sit there with them and enjoy your salad while they’re eating pizza.
You’re going to smell it, it’s going to look great, that cheese is all gooey and just gonna look amazing. But just like you know, what, just be like, Yeah, that’s cool. How was your day?

And just be with the discomfort, you know, embrace the discomfort and don’t, don’t give in. And the more you do this, the easier it becomes. This is a skillset, a habit that you need to learn, okay.

And then another tip I have for you is to create your own support system, alright. So it can be very helpful to have a support system around you. And it doesn’t have to be your spouse or your immediate family members or whatever, or your mom or whoever. Like you can like have, you can sort of create your own support system. Okay.

And here’s what I mean by this. You might have some like-minded friends that are on board with you – spend more time with them. You might belong to Facebook groups, like the Running Lean community on Facebook, which is a bunch of like-minded people who support you, you might read books that support what you’re doing, or listen to podcasts that support what you’re doing.

You might follow people on social media, you might hire a coach, these are all ways of creating a support system for yourself. Because listen, you can have your own back and that’s awesome. And that’s great. Honestly, it is helpful to have supportive others around, but sometimes you just have to create it yourself.

You can’t expect other people to just magically be your support system. Okay? So create your own support system. When I get into something when I’m making a big change. Like when I was training for my Ironman, that’s a big deal, right? It’s a super challenging event and there are so many moving parts. Like when you talk about doing basically an all-day event that involves three different sports like there’s so much involved with that.

I created my own support system around that I was reading books and listening to podcasts and following people on social media and you know started to develop these friends who we would train together and talk about stuff together, and drive to different places to, to swim in open water, or go on long bike rides together. Like I just surrounded myself with my own support system, I created my own support system. And it was very, very helpful.

You know, instead of just sitting there by myself, you know, wondering, I don’t know what to do, or, you know, I don’t know how I’m going to get through this, or I’m afraid of not being able to finish this thing or whatever. Like, I created a support system, and it was so helpful. So this is something I want you to do for yourself, okay, take ownership of this stuff for yourself.

And then here’s the thing, sometimes people in your life will eventually get on board with what you’re doing. Sometimes, your spouse might see what you’re doing.

They see you’re doing great, they see you’re losing weight, they see that you’re feeling better, you’re in a better mood, you have lots of energy, you know, you love running, again, you’re working out, you’re getting fit, you have this halo about you, you’re just radiating good health.

When you get to this point, some people be like, hey, I want some of that, too. And I see this a lot with spouses, especially, who aren’t very supportive at the beginning, they’re like, I want nothing to do with your stupid diet, you know, I’m not doing any of that I’m sticking to my thing over here. But once they see their spouse making all these amazing changes and feeling great and losing weight, they just are this beacon of good health and happiness.

And then a lot of times the spouses are like, Hey, um, what is it you’re doing again? They all of a sudden want some of that, okay, so this can happen. And it’s awesome when it does. But listen, that’s not the goal, the goal is not to get people on board, right?

Because if that’s your goal, if you’re expecting people to come around, eventually, you’re probably going to be disappointed. It does happen sometimes. And what I always tell people is I just say, like, be an example. Be an example for your husband, be an example for your wife, be an example for your kids, or your grandkids, or whoever it is, that’s important to you in your life. Be a good example.

And a lot of times people will come around and want what you have because they see so many positive changes in you. And this is an awesome thing. If it does happen for you, but don’t expect it. That’s the key here like it can happen, but not all the time. Okay.

So listen, the biggest takeaway here and I kind of mentioned this before is like, it doesn’t matter who’s supporting you who isn’t, you have to be your own best supporter, you have to have your own back. I want you to take 100% ownership of your own health, your own fitness, your own diet, whatever it is that you’re doing, be your own best supporter.

Remember that you control you have control of your own thoughts, feelings, and actions and nothing else. Everything else that other people are doing, saying thinking, feeling whatever is on that. You get to believe what you want to believe about yourself.

Choose to believe the good things, have your own back, speak to yourself in a way that is kind and supportive, and encouraging of yourself. Because at the end of the day, it’s just you, right? This is the good news though, right? Because when you’re only relying on yourself, which you can do, then you can absolutely make so much progress.

When you’re relying on yourself and you have your own back it doesn’t matter what the rest of the world is thinking or doing or saying it doesn’t matter who’s on board and who isn’t who’s supporting and who isn’t. None of that stuff matters. What matters is that you 100% have your own back and that you are your number one supporter and always be there for you to just know that okay, you totally got this all right, that’s all I got for you today.

And if you’re looking for a little bit of help with all this, that’s what I do. I can offer the expert guidance, support encouragement, accountability, and experience you need to make this work for you. No matter what your goals no matter what your lifestyle no matter what your tastes we can make this work for you just go to runningleanpodcast.com/apply. And we can just jump on a call and see if coaching is a good fit for you. Cool. All right, you guys have an amazing day love you all keep on Running Lean, and I’ll talk to you soon.

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